Avoiding some stressors

I posted a picture of the Blueridge Mountains because I loved hiking and observing the beauty in the mountains. There are beautiful waterfalls, canopy of trees, wildflowers and an orchestra of birds sounds. Very calming. I wish I could camp in the mountains, but there are bears and I don't want to take a chance to get attacked by one.

Why am I talking about the mountains. I know my illness can be set off by stress. I can be calm and content, but then I may run into a stressor that could attack my mind just like mountain bears could attack me.

Part of life is filled with stress. Can't avoid it.  But we can keep our distance from some of the stressors. 

There are some people that I keep my distance from. My mother is one of them. She's in middle stage alzheimers and everyone thinks she also has bipolar II like me.  Many years ago, my grandmother told my Aunt that there was something wrong with my mom.  Actually, most of the people in my family noticed, but didn't know what it was.

I love my Mom and she can be so sweet, but then she can become agitated and lash out. It's also very hard to reason with her. Part of it is her alzheimers and part of it is the bipolar. Sometimes I cry because I want to spend more time with her, but I know for my own mental health I have to keep my distance.

I also cry because she was never diagnosed and has suffered with the illness for a long time and family memebers, including myself, wouldn't have to be exposed to her lashing out, now and in the past.

I told my dad that I have bipolar and that Mom has it. But he's in denial won't take her to a  therapist so she can get the right meds.

I hope that the younger generation is more educated on mental illness so they don't have to suffer  like my Mom and others.

So I can't go camping and I can't spend as much time as I would with my mom. I have to think of my own well-being.

wildflower in North Carolina

Goldenrod brightens the field

Fall Sedum

limitations

Autumn is my favorite time of the year. But I noticed that it seems I'm more manic since the weather is cooler, colors are changing and the sky is covered with a sheet of blue. My mind races with so many ideas and things to do. I have difficulty focussing and go from one task to the other without accomplishing anything.  

I'm happy, full of energy, laughing to myself, bouncing,  but....... can't get anything completed.  That's when I know it's time to try to sit in my bedroom where there is less sunshine and calming neutral colors.  Writing, photoshopping, painting, meditating, cooking and exercise helps slow down those busy little electrical circuits. 

I may not accomplish what I planned to do, but I know now that I do have limitations and If I only get a couple things done I have to accept it just like someone with MS who has difficulty walking.

It doesn't mean I don't get frustrated and angry with the disease, but accepting my limitations causes less stress and less stress can prevent an episode.

Don't need Therapy?????

I know two people who have gone to therapists, but then they thought they were better and didn't need anymore. Yes taking meds helped me, but they don't help 100 per cent.

One person told me that she couldn't afford it. I knew she needed it after she made that statement. First she could afford it if she stopped spending money on clothes. Too me it wasn't rational. Clothes are more important than mental health?????

 Than she believed reading the bible would help her. I thought, are you an idiot? Yes reading the bible can help somewhat, but the bible is not an expert on mental illness. I tried to reason with her that God created therapists to help those who are mentally ill. It's like praying for God to fix a broken TV. It ain't going to happen.

 The co dependent in me kept trying to convince her to see a therapist. But she thought she was fine. But she wasn't. I was getting frustrated and finally crossed her off my list of friends.

I hope she eventually will seek therapy again. I'll never understand her logic, but I know I couldn't function without seeking professional help.

Changing thoughts.

During my therapy, Dr. W stressed the importance of stopping my racing mind. I'd shake my head in agreement. Now that I had been on my meds for several months, I was ready for this assignment.  He wanted me to change my N-thoughts to P-thoughts.

 Changing my N-thoughts to P-thoughts was trying to hold up a birch tree during a blizzard. (A Birch is one of my favorites because the leaves appear so soft and light. The branches bend so gracefully.)
"But Doc,  It's too hard to do," I whine. "The hurts, fears and anger are planted in my mind. How do you make them disappear?"

He leans forward. "It takes practice, but you have to change your thoughts."

My workout had begun.  I had to practice, practice, practice.  When those negative ants marched in, I struggled, wanted to give up and just hide in my bedroom or run away. I felt angry with my therapist.
How can he expect me to just focus on the positive. My brain won't let me.

The next session with my therapist I said, "This is too hard to do."

"I know." He stares at me and asks, "Do you still want to do this?"

I listen to the sound of the footsteps in the hallway and then exhale.  "Yes, I want to keep trying."

I hated my racing mind and depression. I was ready to try again.  I wanted to be like a birch tree. I want to be soft, light and graceful. Now that's a good thought to focus on.

floralfriday