"Just ignore it," I was told

For about the tenth time since I've been diagnosed with BP II, I recently encountered someone who told me that I shouldn't let things bother me, just ignore it and don't think about it. I m having difficulty coping with my mothers alzheimers behavior. I want to spend time with her, yet when she lashes out my mind starts racing. I suggested my brother call the doctor so he could prescribe an anti depressant for her. That's when he advised me to just do what he does. "Just ignore it."I was frustrated, hurt and angry. How many times do I have to give an informative speech on BP. I've emailed info on it to all my family members and yet they still haven't been able to wrap their heads around it. Maybe I should have someone scan my brain and his brain to show the difference in brain activity.

#wildflowers

Letting Go of guilt, fear and frustration

QA Lace

Queen Ann Lace

Avoiding some stressors

I posted a picture of the Blueridge Mountains because I loved hiking and observing the beauty in the mountains. There are beautiful waterfalls, canopy of trees, wildflowers and an orchestra of birds sounds. Very calming. I wish I could camp in the mountains, but there are bears and I don't want to take a chance to get attacked by one.

Why am I talking about the mountains. I know my illness can be set off by stress. I can be calm and content, but then I may run into a stressor that could attack my mind just like mountain bears could attack me.

Part of life is filled with stress. Can't avoid it.  But we can keep our distance from some of the stressors. 

There are some people that I keep my distance from. My mother is one of them. She's in middle stage alzheimers and everyone thinks she also has bipolar II like me.  Many years ago, my grandmother told my Aunt that there was something wrong with my mom.  Actually, most of the people in my family noticed, but didn't know what it was.

I love my Mom and she can be so sweet, but then she can become agitated and lash out. It's also very hard to reason with her. Part of it is her alzheimers and part of it is the bipolar. Sometimes I cry because I want to spend more time with her, but I know for my own mental health I have to keep my distance.

I also cry because she was never diagnosed and has suffered with the illness for a long time and family memebers, including myself, wouldn't have to be exposed to her lashing out, now and in the past.

I told my dad that I have bipolar and that Mom has it. But he's in denial won't take her to a  therapist so she can get the right meds.

I hope that the younger generation is more educated on mental illness so they don't have to suffer  like my Mom and others.

So I can't go camping and I can't spend as much time as I would with my mom. I have to think of my own well-being.

wildflower in North Carolina

Goldenrod brightens the field

Fall Sedum

limitations

Autumn is my favorite time of the year. But I noticed that it seems I'm more manic since the weather is cooler, colors are changing and the sky is covered with a sheet of blue. My mind races with so many ideas and things to do. I have difficulty focussing and go from one task to the other without accomplishing anything.  

I'm happy, full of energy, laughing to myself, bouncing,  but....... can't get anything completed.  That's when I know it's time to try to sit in my bedroom where there is less sunshine and calming neutral colors.  Writing, photoshopping, painting, meditating, cooking and exercise helps slow down those busy little electrical circuits. 

I may not accomplish what I planned to do, but I know now that I do have limitations and If I only get a couple things done I have to accept it just like someone with MS who has difficulty walking.

It doesn't mean I don't get frustrated and angry with the disease, but accepting my limitations causes less stress and less stress can prevent an episode.

Don't need Therapy?????

I know two people who have gone to therapists, but then they thought they were better and didn't need anymore. Yes taking meds helped me, but they don't help 100 per cent.

One person told me that she couldn't afford it. I knew she needed it after she made that statement. First she could afford it if she stopped spending money on clothes. Too me it wasn't rational. Clothes are more important than mental health?????

 Than she believed reading the bible would help her. I thought, are you an idiot? Yes reading the bible can help somewhat, but the bible is not an expert on mental illness. I tried to reason with her that God created therapists to help those who are mentally ill. It's like praying for God to fix a broken TV. It ain't going to happen.

 The co dependent in me kept trying to convince her to see a therapist. But she thought she was fine. But she wasn't. I was getting frustrated and finally crossed her off my list of friends.

I hope she eventually will seek therapy again. I'll never understand her logic, but I know I couldn't function without seeking professional help.

Changing thoughts.

During my therapy, Dr. W stressed the importance of stopping my racing mind. I'd shake my head in agreement. Now that I had been on my meds for several months, I was ready for this assignment.  He wanted me to change my N-thoughts to P-thoughts.

 Changing my N-thoughts to P-thoughts was trying to hold up a birch tree during a blizzard. (A Birch is one of my favorites because the leaves appear so soft and light. The branches bend so gracefully.)
"But Doc,  It's too hard to do," I whine. "The hurts, fears and anger are planted in my mind. How do you make them disappear?"

He leans forward. "It takes practice, but you have to change your thoughts."

My workout had begun.  I had to practice, practice, practice.  When those negative ants marched in, I struggled, wanted to give up and just hide in my bedroom or run away. I felt angry with my therapist.
How can he expect me to just focus on the positive. My brain won't let me.

The next session with my therapist I said, "This is too hard to do."

"I know." He stares at me and asks, "Do you still want to do this?"

I listen to the sound of the footsteps in the hallway and then exhale.  "Yes, I want to keep trying."

I hated my racing mind and depression. I was ready to try again.  I wanted to be like a birch tree. I want to be soft, light and graceful. Now that's a good thought to focus on.

floralfriday

I'm sorry I've been posting more than others(apologizing is the codependency in me) But the thoughts are rolling and I thought I'd share them while they're still flashing at me.

Now back to therapy.

After several weeks of walking through my past, The Doc and I concluded that my parents constant fighting had a negative impact on me. I cried while facing the truth. I loved my parents. They did many good things too.

We also came to the conclusion that I inherited my BP II from my Mom. I cried because she did so many good things, but her irrational blowups(maybe once a month) also affected me.

I walked out feeling anger towards my parents. But Dr W said they did the best they knew how.  Now I was ready to move forward and learn how to cope with Bipolar and become less codependent. But every now and then the anger surfaces and I have to learn to forgive and focus on their good side.

Beginning therapy cont...

Next visit with Dr. W.

Before we begin therapy I like to talk about a little about what I did the previous week.  Then the Dr. sets the tip of his pen on the note paper, looks up and throws questions at me.

"How are you feeling?"

I glance outside. "Ah, I think I'm feeling better, but when so and so said things that bothered me I noticed that my mind began to race."

"How long did your mind race?"

I glance up as though the answer is written on the ceiling.  "Maybe one day. No I think it was 2 days. I did tell the person they made me feel uncomfortable. Then I went for a long walk. Then I ate some chocolate. Then I went shopping.  Then I had wine. Then I watched TV.  I guess I'm having some difficulty focussing and I'm tired."

Dr. W asks, "Did you really feel uncomfortable when so and so said those things to you?"

"Of course."

Dr W scrunches his forhead. "What were you really feeling?"

After giving the wrong answer several times it turned out I was feeling hurt. So next time I have to tell people THAT HURT

My med had been increased.

Thanks to my psychologist

After my bout with my racing mind last night, I saw my psychologist today. He helped me dissect my thoughts and feelings and coping stratgedies with regards to my mom with alzheimer. I walked out feeling so much better. I brought my bag of coping strategies with me when I visited my Mom. Everything went well. Thank you, thank you...Dr. W.

The nega-ants come marching in.

My day started out great. I planned to call my Mom and make arrangements to see her. I always put it off because she has stage 4 or 5 alzheimers. She talks for 40 minutes and I just listen. Most of her conversation is a recap of what she did that day with some repetition and negativity thrown in.

Yesterday I called late afternoon. My mom gave me the run down on her dailey routine and who she talked to. Then towards the end the negativity inched it's way into to the conversation. I began to get agitated with her negativity. I tried to reason with her. Mistake! Mistake! Mistake!  After I hung up my anger, fear, frustration began racing through the brain circuts.

Spent the evening trying to stop my negative thoughts, such as: grocery shopping, drinking wine as I cooked and then watching some TV. I finally felt relaxed. But as soon as I tucked myself into bed, the negativity marched into me like ants marching into a box of sugar.  I call them nega-ants. Oh, now I have to work on stopping those thoughts, but I'm tired. Turned on TV and fell asleep. Woke up. Watched TV. Fell asleep. I think this went on for maybe 2 hours.  

I try to tell myself I shouldn't feel guilty because I don't call her or see her that ofter. I have to think about my health. Thank goodness my brothers understand because they have no problem not visiting her. Being the only girl people expect me to take care of her, but I can't and I don't care if other people don't like it.

thistle with sleeping bee

photoshopping flower

photoshopping

    

photoshopping

Orchid

My early therapy sessions and diagnosis.


Dr. W thought he'd try cognitive therapy instead of meds. Great!!! I guess it isn't that bad. I was also given a book he wrote on codependency, but the Doc said because of  my knowledge on BP and CD and I could nip this in the bud sooner than most his patients.
This is going to be a piece of cake for me I thought. I m going to go to the head of the class! A month later Dr. W prescribed Lamitral for me. So much for going to the head of the class. I just couldn't stop my thoughts from "Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' down the river."

Dr. W, "You have bipolar."
My heart knocks on my chest. My thoughts brake to a complete stop.
Dr. W. "I think you have a very mild form or bipolar II.
Whewww. Just the mild form. "What does that mean?"
Dr. "One of the symptoms is a racing mind. Everyone has a racing mind, but people with bipolar II have minds that race longer than the average person."
My mind rewinds to 10 years ago. A park manager swore at me. For over a month I couldn't stop thinking about it. "Doc, about 10 years ago I thought there was something wrong, but I thought it was menopause. So it really wan't menopause but bipolar." Relief. There would be a med for it. Worried. Did I act crazy and didn't even know it?

Calming the Bipolar mind

Spent time at my friends cottage. So peaceful. swam, good laughs with her relatives, dinner and boat cruise. No racing mind or negative thoughts. Relaxation helps to calm the mind that sometimes works overtime. So blessed to spend time at the lake.

#bipolar #codependency #mentalhealth #positivethoughts

Today I took Max, my dog, for a walk in the park and my knee was bothering me. Pain and BP don't go together. Pain causes stress and stress can cause racing mind.  Negative thoughts travel through my brain circuits. . . I can't believe this happening to me right before the wedding, I have so much to do. I wanted to lose weight and now I can't. I'll have to wear my hiking shoes. OK stop!!!!! I m thankful I don't have cancer. The park is beautiful. Everything that needs to get done will get done. Continue to walk..negative thoughts...positive thoughts...negative thoughts...What would Dr. W say. "Are you going to die?" No Dr. W.  I think I'll make an appointment to see the orthopedic Dr. Too much work trying to change those negative thought.

#codependency #mental health #hope

First my husband saw the psychologist and convinced me to go.

I see the psycologist.  I am lost in the forest's darkness, but beginning to see light. There is hope. 

Dr. W said, "I want you to know that I m an expert on bipolar and codependency."

I nod. I tell myself, I hope he's not referring to me. I don't think I am. He must be referring to my husband. He has a neice who's bipolar, so there's a good chance he's bipolar. It must be the codependency.

Dr. W sets the tip of his pen on his notebook. "Now tell me what's bothering you?"

I spent the entire hour giving him the inside of all the stress I went through with my family, my marriage, and my husbands family while the Dr. scribbled notes and tears rolled down my cheeks.

His eyes stared into my eyes. "You have gone through a lot."

I inhaled and nodded. I felt better. He validated my feelings. He understood me.

"I can help you, but I don't want to tell you what to do, but I will help you to learn how to change your thoughts and behavior.   And I'll let you do most of the talking."

I step out of the room and am thankful that he didn't mention I was bipolar.

Rafting through the rapids

#lifestruggles #mentalhealth. #codependency

 2 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar II. The difference between bipolar II and bipolar I is the manic phase.  Bipolar II's manic phase is mild compared to bipolar I. Many times bipolar II is diagnosed as just depression because the manic phase is low. I also suffered from extreme codependency.

I was first diagnosed with depression 18 years ago. I was suffering from chronic back pain all the doctors could only offer exercise and rest to alleviate the pain. After a couple years of following the unsuccessful plan I fell into the black hole, because of not only the doctor's lousy plans, but also because my lifestyle had changed from being active to non active and my husband was not empathetic.

I needed help and found a therapist.

Keratin treatment is great for frizzy hair

Can't Change Others

                            love this statement :   You Can't Change others, but......                                                        
                                                     

                               You can change yourself

It's important to meditate everyday to help you relax and prevent stress. It's also important to pray for calmness. If I would do this everyday, I'm sure I'd accomplish so much more during the day.

My shortcomings

Sometimes I m concerned with what others think of me. I m working on focusing on my positives and ignoring others opinions of me. If hurtful, I will express how I feel in a kind manner. How many of you allow yourself to be controlled by others opinion of you.

An Alligators Awful Day

"Lex, it's time to go to go to the vet. Be a good alligator and get out of the pool," Margaret said.