My day started out great. I planned to call my Mom and make arrangements to see her. I always put it off because she has stage 4 or 5 alzheimers. She talks for 40 minutes and I just listen. Most of her conversation is a recap of what she did that day with some repetition and negativity thrown in.
Yesterday I called late afternoon. My mom gave me the run down on her dailey routine and who she talked to. Then towards the end the negativity inched it's way into to the conversation. I began to get agitated with her negativity. I tried to reason with her. Mistake! Mistake! Mistake! After I hung up my anger, fear, frustration began racing through the brain circuts.
Spent the evening trying to stop my negative thoughts, such as: grocery shopping, drinking wine as I cooked and then watching some TV. I finally felt relaxed. But as soon as I tucked myself into bed, the negativity marched into me like ants marching into a box of sugar. I call them nega-ants. Oh, now I have to work on stopping those thoughts, but I'm tired. Turned on TV and fell asleep. Woke up. Watched TV. Fell asleep. I think this went on for maybe 2 hours.
I try to tell myself I shouldn't feel guilty because I don't call her or see her that ofter. I have to think about my health. Thank goodness my brothers understand because they have no problem not visiting her. Being the only girl people expect me to take care of her, but I can't and I don't care if other people don't like it.
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